Hi loves!
First heart-to-heart of the year! I want to write many more of these this year! And this was something I kinda wanted to share last year but for whatever reason I didn't. I'm sure I am not the only person who can feel related to this topic so, I'll share with you something I experienced last year, not because I feel proud of it or want to go through it all over again, but because it could be useful for someone who is/was going through something similar.
There are times when I feel lonely, but, it got worse by the end of 2015. I never felt this way before so, it was a scary feeling. Having people around you but still feel lonely is something I never felt before.
I've liked guys before, but I've only been in love once. Truly in love. We had our own special relationship. Maybe it wasn't all that perfect to others but it was true love for us. I know it was, I felt it and no one can tell me it wasn't real.
Back then everything was perfect no matter what. I felt it gave me the strength I needed to go through everything. Making future plans together and texting until 3am...I had a future planned, daydreamed about it.
When I realized my fairy tale love story was fading away, my whole world fell apart. (add to that some other personal situations I was going through) Long story short, two of the most important people for me "left me" at the same time, my love and my long life best friend.
So not only I was beyond sad, confused and had no idea where this was coming from, but I also felt lonely.
I always say I am lucky to have great people around me, and that is true. People who never left my side but, even having all of them there, I still felt that loneliness.
A broken heart needs time to heal, no one can ever tell you to stop caring or to let go at a certain point cuz, only you know whe you're ready to do it. I know sometimes it's so easy to feel pressure from other people,
"why aren't you seeing someone?",
"I'd like you to meet someone",
"you shouldn't feel this way about that person" etc. But you know what? it is ok to feel the way you feel. Not because someone is living a certain situation, you have to live it too. Yeah, it is hard not to compare, not to wonder how it'd be
"if only" but when reality hits you hard you realize that the more you push things, the worse you'll feel and the less things will flow the way they should. I'm telling you this after a year of being heart broken. I used to cry from time to time, I still miss him. and I still wish things were different.
Not long ago, I found that quote that says:
Dear heart, fall in love when you're ready, not when you're lonely. And it made so much sense to me!
After feeling like I had no way out of these feelings, I decided to kinda force myself to date someone, thinking that could help me to move on, stop missing my love and get rid of that lonely feeling but, I was /so/ wrong.
I knew this guy, and he had feelings for me, I thought that could be enough but truth is, it wasn't enough. I was constantly asking myself if I was sure about what I was doing, if I would ever feel comfortable with the things I didn't like about him...and that is not how it should be. He wasn't my "Zombie Babe" and he was never going to be him.
There was a point when I thought; you know what, this is not fair for you, and it is not fair for the other person, I had to stop and end it. It was not a way out of my problems, it was not going to make me forget about my love and I was going to end up hurting someone just because I was being selfish.
Yes, I realized how selfish I can be.
Now I know it is true time helps you to heal. My heart will always have this feeling he left but it's ok. It will always remind me he was (and still is) my first true love. I won't rush into things and I won't force me to do something if I don't feel 100% sure. Our heart is not a toy to play and experiment with. At least I know mine is not.
Everything will happen when it has to happen. Who knows? Maybe things will eventually change to the way they used to or...even better!
My point is, don't let other people, pressure, comparison, loneliness, etc. make you force you to do or feel things when you just don't feel ready or simply don't feel like it. Take your time (and I mean it, the time you need) to deal with things your way. If you need to cry, cry. If you need that person to know things, find a way to let them know, if you need a clousure, find a way to have it. Just let it happen naturally. Be fair and kind to yourself, and be fair to others. And always remember that it is ok to feel the way you're feeling because that feeling is there for a reason, it shows that person matters to you and was/is important even if he/she might not come back.
Hope all this makes sense cuz I jump from one thing to an other, especially on heart-to-hearts~ hehe.
As I'm typing this, I realize how passionate I still am about my feelings and how much I want to hold on to them.
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