Hi guys!
Not long before 2018 is over. Wow~!
I feel like so many things happened this year, good things mostly. And I had this topic written down on my journal for the longest time now, I thought it'd be perfect for the end of the year. Cuz this time I really think I've changed in many ways, not like other years where I was sharing how I was feeling great when I actually wasn't. I really wanted to believe that but, I can feel it for real this year. So, grab a cup of coffee because... I feel like this is going to be a long read.
You've been warned.
I won't go through everything that happened years ago and how I felt because I feel like it's a little pointless now. I'll just go back to earlier this year when I came back from Spain. I truly believe that trip was just what I needed to feel like myself again.
It was not only my first time traveling all alone but, I never traveled that far. Yes, I was nervous about what could happen but, it was an exciting adveture at the same time. While I was there it felt so nice to have a fresh start with new people, people who didn't know me, people I didn't have a past with. Of course I missed my friends and I had my mom there with me but, you know what I mean, right?
It was a liberating feeling to leave all the problems, worries and negativity behind and just focus on me and my new adventure.
You know when you watch those movies where people go through rough times and they take a long trip to feel better? I felt like that!! It is true that going away for a while helps you to clear your mind and heart and just focus on the good, what you want and what you need.
While I was there, I started noticing how some "fake friends" started naturally separating from me. Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was just meant to be. And instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved for some reason. On the other hand, some other friends were just so happy for me and we were all looking forward to see each other. I think I got to let go of a lot of things, feelings and even people while I was there.
I wouldn't say I felt like a "new me" when I came back but, I defo felt like myself again, in a better version. More independent and as cheerful as I used to be.
Things kinda started falling back into place as I became a positive person again. I found a job right away, a job that gave me a new experience as a teacher and helped me grow in a professional way as well as in a personal way and it was a school I really wanted to be a part of. I'm still a bit insecure at times but, I wanted to challenge myself and prove to me that I can do new things, things that are outside of my comfort zone. Which didn't happen before, and I did.
The fake people continued to leave my life. Do I regret spending time with them? Not really, cuz back then I really believed in them but, I also don't regret letting them out of my life.
But as some people left, my relationship with other friends became a lot stronger, I got reunited with some old friends and I couldn't be happier and I also met great people that even tho I can't call all of them friends, they are really nice and fun to spend time with.
I noticed that back then not all of my relationships (call it work, friend, partner, etc) choices were exactly the best. Many people were so toxic and negative, and they were sucking up all my positivity. Now I am surrounded by people who are positive, inspiring and supportive. But most important, they are honest.
When I changed my environment, things seemed to flow in a better way.
As for me... well, I can think of many small things I do now that I didn't used to do before such as: being more independent in many ways. I used to need someone to always go with me to do things or go places, now I can do my own things on my own with no problem at all. I hated the idea of being alone and now I am ok with that.
I was always looking or a way to please others so everyone would like me, now I know not everyone will like me and it's ok, life goes on. You can't please everyone even if you try.
I used to put everyone before me and as much as I love someone, I can't do that anymore. I will always be there for the people I love and help as much as I can but, I should come first. And that doesn't mean I'm selfish.
I am there when I'm wanted and if I'm not wanted, no biggie. I've learned you can't push someone to be with you even if you want it. It is better to let go and accept things as they are.
I'm also learning to deal with changes, and I think I'm getting better at it.
I realized I don't need someone to be happy, I have to build my own happiness and if someone wants to be a part of that, they are more than welcome.
All these may sound like something too obvious or normal for some but, these were things I struggled with years ago, say 1 or 2 years ago.
I believe changing is a healthy thing, we all change. For whatever reason but, we just do. But I also think it is important to stay true to yourself and don't let people or events change who you are.
So, do I still miss hoy my life was? Not gonna lie, I do miss parts of it. But I do understand there is no way to go back to the way things were. Most importantly, did I change in the last year? Yes! of course I did. But I changed without losing my essence. I'm still the cheerful, childish girl who loves to dress up and watch anime. I'm still dreaming about having my own love story. I'm still silly, I laugh loudly, I embarrass myself and others and I love to celebrate others' happiness and success, I cry a lot, I share and yeah, I'm still clueless about many, maaaany things in life but, I'm smarter, stronger and more independent. I value real friends a lot more and I'm a tiny little bit more adventurous.
But most important thing is, I can honestly say I am happy.
And, I think this is it for this post. You know, I always feel like sharing these kind of post at the end of the year. It helps me to look back and see what has changed. All in all, I can say this year was good to me. Did you change in the last year? Feel free to share your experience!
Also, hello Winter, Happy Yule.
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