Heart-to-heart: How I really feel about love & relationships

Hey there loves!
Long time no H2H~ I think this is actually the first one this year.
I asked on IG and most of you said you wanted an other one so, after a long time thinking about what to write about, here we are.
The other day I was doing this kind of "Mind Dump" in my journal about some things that have been on my mind lately and I thought it would be a good thing to talk about in here.

I'm not sure where to begin tho... guess I'll start with saying that people who are really close to me know that one of my dreams is to get married someday and have my own little family to care of, among other things.
I am in love with love and the idea of having a romance like the ones I see in dramas and stuff, even if sometimes I pretend not to care. And I feel like I try not to talk about it much or pretend that it doesn't affect me because I don't want to be one of those people who are always talking about how much they long for a partner and how finding one is the center of their universe because, it is not my only goal in life and because I've met people like that before and I know it is exhausting to be listening to the same thing over and over again as if nothing else mattered.
And, I guess I've been a little emotional lately so, sorry if this H2H becomes a bit of a rant...

I always try to tell myself I shouldn't let anyone put pressure on me to find someone or date but somehow I end up mentally worrying about those things. And, as much as I love to see my friends in love, some of them having a happy married life, my cousins having super cute families; I can't help to wish I could join them on that same level. I can't help to compare myself to others who have what I wish for even if it's people on random social media. And I don't do it in a nasty, envious way, I just wonder when is it going to be my turn.

One of my friends once told me that life never really goes the way we plan it, and that's ok. And it's true; If I look back I was planning to get married on my mid 20's (yeah, right!) and, I never thought I'd end up teaching.
It's not all bad and I'm not saying that I'm not happy with the way my life is at this moment, I'm very thankful for many opportunities I've had so far, trips, work, life lessons and even amazing friends that always make me smile and feel good about myself but, there's also that part of me who wished to have at least a very stable relationship at this point in my life.

It's funny cuz when I was little, I never dreamed about getting married or having a fairy tale love story but, as I grew older I started loving the idea. I am aware that I am not going to have a kdrama-like love story and that I can't idealize a relationship because, it's never going to be like that. I also know I am a very difficult person who has high standards. I'm trying to change that because it won't take me anywhere. I'm also someone who needs her space to work on her own things. As much as I want to share part of my life with someone, I want to have things on my own too. I don't wanna become "someone's girlfriend" and lose myself in the process. But the idea of never meeting "the right one" can be a very scary thought~ I don't want to come to terms with the idea of always being that forever alone friend/cousin/auntie.
I know I'm still young and I'm open to the idea that anything can happen when you less expect it but, sometimes waiting can be harder than others.

I'm amazed to see how people find it easy to meet others and just feel that "click". How do they do it?
Some people always tell me "you need to go out more", "meet new people", blah, blah, blah. But what they don't know is, I really try, I've met new people, nice and interesting people but, nothing! I suck at dating too. Especially when it comes to "dating" a stranger. Ironically, I once considered opening a profile on a dating site or something (Not gonna happen but, oh well xD).
Like, What in the world is wrong with me?!! Why is it so hard for me to find someone I really, really like? Sometimes I feel like the more I want it, the more I push it away (if that makes any sense). I still believe there's someone, somewhere who is meant for us... I hope to find my someone someday.

I really don't want to get too caught up with this feelings or this topic, and I know it'll only be temporary~ Guess I just need to go back to my job and stuff to keep my mind busy with other things but, I just had to let that out and open up about it. As always, sorry if this stopped making sense at some point, it always happens to me when I talk or type too much. I always speak from my heart on these posts so, thank you for reading until the end and, let me know what you'd like to read in future H2Hs.

Untl next time~~!! ♡